Letter To My Teenage Self
๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐
I remember being you as a teenager. You were just starting to understand yourself and the world around you.
๐๐ฎ๐ญ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐ข๐๐งโ๐ญ ๐ก๐๐ฏ๐ ๐ ๐ฅ๐จ๐ญ ๐จ๐ ๐จ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐จ๐ซ๐ญ๐ฎ๐ง๐ข๐ญ๐ฒ ๐ญ๐จ ๐๐จ ๐ฌ๐จ. ๐
I remember being you in middle school, feeling a greater sense of freedom now that you had left the constraints of elementary school behind. โ
But you also started to see the extremes kids would go to treating each other badly, not to mention the extremes you were aware of within yourself. ๐จ
It was not a New Normal you could fully comprehend, but to be fair most students probably didnโt fully comprehend it either.
Perhaps it all couldโve been boiled down to teenage hormones and puberty. But the fact remains it wasnโt pleasant. ๐คทโโ๏ธ
๐๐ฎ๐ญ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐จ๐ฎ๐ง๐ ๐ ๐ฐ๐๐ฒ ๐ญ๐จ ๐๐๐๐ฉ๐ญ. ๐๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐จ๐ฎ๐ง๐ ๐ ๐ฐ๐๐ฒ ๐ญ๐จ ๐๐ฎ๐ข๐ฅ๐ ๐ฎ๐ฉ ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ง๐ฌ๐ข๐ฏ๐ ๐ฐ๐๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐๐จ๐ซ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐ฆ๐๐ง๐ญ๐๐ฅ ๐ฌ๐๐๐๐ญ๐ฒ. ๐งฑ
You modeled your demeanor off of the โtoughโ guys you saw in movies. Tony Montana from โScarfaceโ. Tommy DeSimone from โGoodfellasโ. John McClane from โDie Hardโ. ๐ช
๐๐ง๐ญ๐๐ ๐ซ๐๐ญ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ฌ๐ ๐ฆ๐จ๐ฏ๐ข๐ ๐๐ก๐๐ซ๐๐๐ญ๐๐ซ๐ฌ ๐๐ฌ ๐ฉ๐๐ซ๐ญ ๐จ๐ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐ฌ๐๐ก๐จ๐จ๐ฅ ๐ฉ๐๐ซ๐ฌ๐จ๐ง๐ ๐ฐ๐๐ฌ ๐ฆ๐ฎ๐๐ก ๐ฆ๐จ๐ซ๐ ๐๐จ๐ฆ๐๐จ๐ซ๐ญ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ง ๐๐๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐๐จ๐ฎ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐๐ฅ๐ญ ๐ฐ๐๐ฌ ๐ฅ๐๐๐ค๐ข๐ง๐ .
If anything, modeling these behaviors helped you get attention. It made other kids notice you. It made you feel powerful. There was little incentive to stop. ๐
And that chain necklace you woreโฆYeah, the one in the photo here! You wore it because Tony Montana wore one too! ๐
I remember being you as you cussed liberally among your clique of classmates during lunch periods.
๐๐ ๐๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐๐ข๐. ๐๐ฏ๐๐ซ๐ฒ ๐จ๐ง๐ ๐จ๐ ๐ฎ๐ฌ ๐ฎ๐ฌ๐๐ ๐ฐ๐จ๐ซ๐๐ฌ ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ญ ๐ข๐ง ๐ญ๐จ๐๐๐ฒโ๐ฌ ๐๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ฅ๐ญ๐ฎ๐ซ๐ ๐ฐ๐จ๐ฎ๐ฅ๐ ๐ ๐๐ญ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐๐๐ง๐๐๐ฅ๐ฅ๐๐ ๐ข๐ง ๐ ๐ก๐๐๐ซ๐ญ๐๐๐๐ญ. โ
Do you remember that one time your 6th grade teacher heard you? You remember that shocked look on her face, that you of all students would be the one to talk like that? ๐ฒ
Regardless, this moment didnโt change much, only that you were much more vigilant not to have teachers hear you in the future.
I remember being you when you felt verbally threatened by classmates. At the slightest criticism you would lambast a blanket of insults onto them. ๐คฌ
๐๐ญ ๐ฐ๐๐ฌ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐๐๐ฌ๐ญ ๐ฅ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐จ๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ง๐ฌ๐: ๐๐ฅ๐จ๐๐ค ๐๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐ฉ๐๐ซ๐ฌ๐จ๐ง๐๐ฅ ๐ข๐ง๐ฌ๐๐๐ฎ๐ซ๐ข๐ญ๐ข๐๐ฌ ๐ฐ๐ข๐ญ๐ก ๐ฏ๐๐ซ๐๐๐ฅ ๐ข๐ง๐ญ๐ข๐ฆ๐ข๐๐๐ญ๐ข๐จ๐ง.
Again, you didnโt really know who you were. You were just a kid, taking life in as it came, figuring it out as you went along.
๐๐ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐ก๐๐ ๐ค๐ง๐จ๐ฐ๐ง ๐๐๐ญ๐ญ๐๐ซ, ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐ฐ๐จ๐ฎ๐ฅ๐ ๐ก๐๐ฏ๐ ๐๐จ๐ง๐ ๐๐๐ญ๐ญ๐๐ซ. โค๏ธ
I remember being you when you were diagnosed with Autism, Depression, and Anxiety. All 3 at once! You started to believe these diagnoses with all their descriptions were the answers to your suffering, to explain why you felt the way you did.
๐๐จ๐ฎ ๐ฐ๐๐ฅ๐๐จ๐ฆ๐๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ฌ๐ ๐ฅ๐๐๐๐ฅ๐ฌ ๐๐ฌ ๐ฉ๐๐ซ๐ญ ๐จ๐ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ ๐ข๐๐๐ง๐ญ๐ข๐ญ๐ฒ ๐๐๐๐๐ฎ๐ฌ๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐๐ซ๐ ๐๐ฅ๐ฅ-๐๐ง๐๐จ๐ฆ๐ฉ๐๐ฌ๐ฌ๐ข๐ง๐ ๐๐ฑ๐ฉ๐ฅ๐๐ง๐๐ญ๐ข๐จ๐ง๐ฌ.
๐ You were told you were depressed because of a chemical imbalance in your brain.
๐ You were told you had trouble socializing because autistic people have trouble reading body language and peopleโs emotions.
๐ You were told thereโs a correlation between people with autism and depression and anxiety.
You were given multiple medications, you went to therapy, and thanks to these new labels you were often reminded (inadvertently) about your limitations.
๐๐ฏ๐๐ง ๐ฐ๐ก๐๐ง ๐ฉ๐๐จ๐ฉ๐ฅ๐ ๐๐ข๐๐งโ๐ญ ๐ข๐ง๐ญ๐๐ง๐ ๐ญ๐จ ๐๐จ ๐ฌ๐จ, ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐ฌ๐ญ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐ก๐๐๐ซ๐ ๐ข๐ญ ๐ข๐ง ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ข๐ซ ๐ฐ๐จ๐ซ๐๐ฌ. ๐๐จ๐ฎ ๐ฐ๐๐ซ๐ ๐ญ๐จ๐ฅ๐ ๐๐ซ๐จ๐ฆ ๐๐ฏ๐๐ซ๐ฒ๐จ๐ง๐ ๐๐ง๐ ๐๐ฏ๐๐ซ๐ฒ๐ญ๐ก๐ข๐ง๐ , ๐จ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ซ ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ง ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ๐ซ๐ฌ๐๐ฅ๐, ๐๐๐จ๐ฎ๐ญ ๐ฐ๐ก๐จ ๐ฒ๐จ๐ฎ ๐ฐ๐๐ซ๐ ๐ฌ๐ฎ๐ฉ๐ฉ๐จ๐ฌ๐๐ ๐ญ๐จ ๐๐. ๐
I also remember being you going into high school, and you started to gain weight. Your metabolism, which had handled a daily consumption of junk food up to that point, had finally started to slow down.
You went over 200 pounds, and you shamed yourself for it. Itโs why you hated being in photos and looking in the mirror; your double chin was there to remind you what you didnโt like about yourself. ๐ค
In time, you started resisting the labels youโd initially been given. In many cases you openly rebelled from them. โ
You still didnโt know who you were, how to get to know the real you, or who you even wanted to be. But you knew it surely wasnโt ๐ฉ๐๐๐ฉ! ๐
Instead of getting to know yourself, it was placed on the sidelines for school subjects youโd never use, engaging in social groups youโd never talk to after graduation, and beliefs about yourself that turned to out to be grossly false.
Please donโt misunderstand me. This letter is not meant to be a chastisement of school or your childhood memories. Rather, I share this with you because I want you to know that your life is going to be ๐ข๐ง๐๐ซ๐๐๐ข๐๐ฅ๐ฒ ๐๐ข๐๐๐๐ซ๐๐ง๐ญ a decade from now! ๐
๐๐ง๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐๐จ๐ฎ๐๐ฅ๐ ๐๐ก๐ข๐ง ๐ฐ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐๐ ๐ ๐จ๐ง๐ ๐ญ๐จ๐จ! ๐
Without spoiling all the surprises in store for you, I can assure your lifeโs only beginning. Itโs easy when youโre in the same place for such a long period of time to not see the bigger picture. But eventually you will. ๐
With that said, I must also warn you in advance! โ ๏ธ
Getting to where I am today is not going to be smooth sailing. Youโre going to experience many negative emotions, many challenges, and many setbacks. There will be points where you feel hopeless and extremely anxious about the future.
๐๐ฎ๐ญ ๐ญ๐ก๐๐ฌ๐ ๐ฆ๐จ๐ฆ๐๐ง๐ญ๐ฌ ๐ฐ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฅ ๐ฉ๐๐ฌ๐ฌ ๐ญ๐จ๐จ! โค๏ธ
With these hardships youโll see they were all just fragments of a greater journey youโre going on. Youโll see these hardships happened for a reason, and you wonโt be able to become the person you are today unless you go through them first. ๐
Youโll be here soon! ๐
.
โ๏ธ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ โ๏ธ
โ โ โ -
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